Saturday, June 25, 2011

Totally Not Gay: Top 5 Homoerotic Movies

Get an image in your mind of the following: Shirtless men. Deep, smoldering glares. Ripped bodies glistening with sweat. Fierce embraces. Bulging... muscles. What came into your mind? (Wow, poor phrasing there.) Chances are, it's either gay porn or action movies. After watching Fast Five earlier this year (among many, many other movies), I'm not even sure there's a difference anymore. I've long since stopped being able to tell if the titans of testosterone in action movies want to fight or just screw. I don't think I'd even be fazed if Sylvester Stallone made another Expendables that erupted into a gay orgy halfway through. Except any male fan of these movies will always say, "Dude, it's totally not gay!"

Anyway, all that got me to thinking about the time-honored tradition of homoeroticism in action movies. Surely, some lonely Film Studies student has written a 150-page dissertation on the subject, probably titled something like Tango in Cash: A Survey of the Homoerotic in American Action Movies. If not, someone should write it, STAT. I don't have that kind of time though, so you'll just have to settle for a Top 5 list for now. Enjoy, if you're into that sort of thing.

Honorable Mentions: Any buddy cop movie ever, any boxing movie ever, just about any Schwarzenegger or Stallone movie, and, of course, Road House (1989). Not to imply that there is anything gay about Dalton (R.I.P.), but, I mean, c'mon:

5) Fast Five (2011), starring Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
This is just the latest installment in modern cinema's most prolific study of homoeroticism amongst the gearhead set. I mean, take a look at this. And this. And let's not forget to mention this criminally underseen spinoff. The latest installment ratchets (get it? a ratchet is a tool you would use on a car) it up a notch with the addition of The Rock, however. What used to be Vin Diesel and Paul Walker staring each other down, sweat-drenched and ready to throw down (note that I could have said "come to blows") now adds The Rock and his Steiner-esque biceps to the mix. Diesel and Johnson (how are these not gay porn sobriquets? (why "sobriquets"? because it sounded gayer than "nicknames")) have a fight scene toward the end that is the stuff of homorerotic legend. It even starts with the line, "You're going down, Toretto!" Check it out (pic hyperlinked):

4) The Lord of the Rings (all of them), starring Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Dominic Monaghan, Billy Boyd
If you played a drinking game where you had to drink every time a Hobbit did or said something homoerotic, you'd be smashed about an hour and a half into Fellowship. I'm not sure what it is about hobbits. Maybe it's their capris. Or the fact that two of them tickle-raped Boromir (never mind that he looks like he liked it). Then there's the whole Frodo/Sam thing. Douche chill! Finally, there's the giant hobbit orgy that, as far as I remember it, took up about the last forty-five minutes of Return of the King. Here it is. Judge for yourself:

3) The Transporter (2002), starring Jason Statham
Every man has his "If I were a girl..." list. Statham's on mine (along with, obviously, Steve Nash). I blame this movie (and subsequent sequels). America was already familiar with Jason Statham: British Gangster (Snatch) and Jason Statham: White Guy Who Does Martial Arts (The One). This was America's first introduction to Jason Statham: Gay Action Hero. (If you don't believe me, ask the director of the second movie). In The Transporter, Statham is shirtless at nearly every opportunity, usually stripping without even the slightest provocation (he's a real pro though -- he pushes the tension to the last possible moment before stripping). And, of course, there's the infamous oil scene. Enjoy -- I know I did:

2) 300, starring Gerard Butler, David Wenham, Michael Fassbender, Dennis Rodman (at least, I'm pretty sure it was him)
I'm pretty sure I don't even need to say anything about this one. (But you know me: I will anyway.) Anyway, this is probably the first movie that came into your mind (there's gotta be a better way to say that...) at the beginning of this post. I don't even know where to start with this one. I guess the Xerxes picture above is as good a place as any. I could also link to about a thousand pics of abs, spears held phallically, the aforementioned smoldering gazes, or I could just link to proof that the actual Spartans were into tummysticks. So yeah. This movie was just about a Madonna song away from being all the way gay. Wait, what? Someone already had that idea? Say no more. Suspicions confirmed:

1) Top Gun, starring Tom Cruise, Anthony Edwards, Val Kilmer, Tom Skerritt
Has to be. The best bad movie of all time and the most homoerotic movie of all time are one and the same. I'll let the pics and video do the talking (warning: may include captions):

I like what I see. Maybe don't wear your Hanes next time.

This ain't gay shit. This is man shit.
Don't act like you're not impressed.
"You know where I'm gonna put this?" "Yeah."
And, of course, the volleyball scene. Need I say more? (Don't worry, I won't... much.)

These are just the ones that stand out (up?) for me. I'm sure there are countless others. Let me know what I missed... besides your musk. Which is totally not gay. Thanks for reading!

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